There is always an exchange in power within any relationship. In a family, the parents are put into a leadership position. This means the parents are to lead not to control. Discipline is the key to this relationship. The parents are to be like role models and guide their children. To show their children how to live and how to react to stressful situations. These concepts are not new, but parents do not follow them. The First Presidency and other leaders of our church have emphasized these concepts for us to follow. Research and medical professional have stressed for us to develop these concepts. Why don’t most families follow these concepts? It is a harder road to take. We were raised a certain way and believe that it should still be that way, but we were raised in a different world. In today’s world, with all of the positive information and feedback to Discipline and what we should and should not do with our children. It is a lot harder to change our ways to adapt to today’s world.

Weekly councils bring significant benefits to a family and marriage. It allows the family to check in with each other. It helps keep harmony within the family. It helps bring issues that are just starting to the front. This way, they can get solved before the problem gets out of hand. Weekly councils bring the Spirit into your family and marriage. You can use this type of council to bring you closer to one another. Sharing your feelings and thoughts about your family and marriage allows for you to grow closer to one another as well as grow closer to Heavenly Father.

Becoming one within marriage is very important. There are plenty of couples within The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints that have shown me how to become one with my spouse. I have seen couples that as they grow closer to Heavenly Father, they grow closer to each other. In tough times they lean on each other and Heavenly Father. They keep up with their commitments to each other and Heavenly Father.

Fulfilling sexual stewardship within marriage is very important. There are three characteristics of successful stewardship. One is our agency, and two is diligence, and three is accountability. We must seek to learn more about the sexual aspects of our lives. I love what President Hugh B. Brown said in his book You and Your Marriage:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

The readings this week have been many, but the two things that stand out to me the most is that sexual instinct is God-given and has a high and holy purpose. The second thing that sticks out to me is that we should be seeking to learn more about the sexual aspect of our lives.

As a married person, I will take the following safeguards to protect my marriage from infidelity. I will keep the lines of communication open between my husband and me. I will stay diligent and accountable to my husband and myself.

In my marriage, I will help protect my husband and me from pornographic images by being diligent in watching what we watch on tv and movies — staying up to date on all media that is coming into my home — making sure that it is wholesome and not filled with sexual images. I will speak with my husband and family concerning the dangers that pornographic photos bring.

President John Taylor taught the most important prophetic teaching on physical intimacy.

“We have a great many principles innate in our natures that are correct, but they want sanctifying. God said to man, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.’( Genesis 1:28) Well, he has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes. We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified. An unlawful gratification of these feelings and sympathies is wrong in the sight of God, and leads down to death, while a proper exercise of our functions leads to life, happiness, and exaltations in this world and the world to come. And so it is in regard to a thousand other things.”

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a list of books that we can seek to learn from.

1 – The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Excellent, Christian-based book on sexual love in marriage, frank and wholesome. Great for engaged or newlywed couples, as well as couples at any other stage of marriage.

2 – Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. Solid and interesting perspective on marital intimacy from a Latter-day Saint gospel perspective. Very good resource.

3 – Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. Book by a Christian MD and therapist with his wife, very insightful and well-done.

4 – The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. Well-known therapist and marriage educator has written an engaging and positive book about dealing with sexual challenges in marriage. Brand new, a great read.

5 – Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson, a BYU professor and marital therapist whose book on intimacy is grounded in gospel understanding and purpose. Nice resource.

6 – Couple Sexual Awareness or Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-first Century or Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages, all by Barry and Emily McCarthy. These are well-written, practical guides on sexual intimacy for couples by a well-recognized sex therapist and his spouse.

Perpetual disagreements are the result of gridlock when we go round and round with conflicts not being able to come to an agreement that is gridlock. A way to avoid the gridlock is by looking out for the moments when you miss each other’s needs. When couples avoid the gridlock, they treat the perpetual argument like a pesky bug. If couples follow the other principles within this blog, then they will have a good chance of avoiding gridlock.

The marital poop detector is vital to a strong marriage because it allows the couple to know when something just doesn’t smell right. It is an early warning system. In Gottman’s book, he gives a list of questions to ask yourself once a week. These questions will help detect if there is something wrong within your marriage. These questions are:

• I have been acting irritable
• I have been feeling emotional distant
• There has been a lot of tension between us
• I find myself wanting to be somewhere else
• I have been feeling lonely
• My partner seems emotionally unavailable to me
• I have been angry
• We have been out of touch with each other
• My partner has little idea of what I am thinking
• We have been under a great deal of stress and it has taken a toll on us
• I wish we were closer now
• I have wanted to be alone a lot
• My partner has been acting irritable
• My partner has been emotionally distant
• My partner seems to be somewhere else
• I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner
• My partner has been angry
• I have little idea what my partner is thinking
• My partner has wanted to be alone
• We really need to talk
• We haven’t been communication very well
• We have been fighting more than usual
• Lately, small issue escalate
• We have been hurting each other feelings
• There hasn’t been very much fun or joy in our lives

Working through the seven principles is probably very clear to you that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. The central message to Gottman book is that you can make a marriage work as long as you are willing to put in the work.

Consecration in marriage is all about loving and serving your spouse. There are many ways that we can love and serve our spouse. Some ways we can help our spouse is by doing as they ask. If my husband asks something of me, I try my best to do as he is asking. I can also serve him by doing things I know he likes before he asks. I can help him by making sure that his dinner is hot when he comes home. I can love him by making sure there is gas in the car after I use it. The little things that go unnoticed are ways we can serve and love our spouses.
In Gottman’s book, 69% of all marital problems are perpetual. Gottman believes that 69% of all marital issues will continue throughout the marriage. These problems will continue to resurface each time the couple gets mad at each other. The couple sweeps them under the rug. Though they may try to avoid the bump in the carpet, they trip over it and rehash the subject. I don’t believe that it is that much. Yes, there are some things that my husband and I rehash out, but it is not near 69% of our discussions. We only have a couple of items that are perpetual in our marriage. We try to solve every issue that pops up. We know that sweeping it under the rug is not going to solve anything. Couples should face issues head-on and get down to the real problem of things and not just the surface. The difference between happily married couples and unhappily married couples trying to address perpetual issues is, the happily married couple will get to the bottom of the problem and solve it. Perpetual problems in an unhappily married couple will lead to the end of their marriage.
Gottman believes that the underline key to a solvable or a perpetual problem in successfully addressing the conflict is your partner must feel that you understand and accept their personality and perspective. You can accomplish this by making sure your spouse feels loved and accepted by you.

I have thought a lot about this subject this week. Pride ended my first two marriages. It was pride in both parts. We couldn’t see past it to fix the marriages. I am glad that in my current marriage it is different. Yes, we have issues with pride, just like any other man and woman, but we quickly humble ourselves and fix our way of thinking. I loved the talk “Beware of Pride” By President Ezra Taft Benson. It got me to think about somethings, he said.  I never thought about pride as an enmity towards God. President Benson stated. 

“Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

When I read this statement, it put pride in different perspectives. Yes, we describe pride as many of the things President Benson stated but never have I thought of pride as hatred or hostility towards God.  I have had some pride issues, but I never thought to hate towards Heavenly Father.  I have always love Heavenly Father. I have had problems with thinking that my husbands’ irritants were his and his alone to fix. After reading Beware of Pride, I now know that it is my thinking that needs to be fixed. I need to humble myself to Heavenly Father and ask for forgiveness and to see my husband as He sees him.  President Benson stated that 

“When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod. “

The statement that the proud let go of the iron rod is scary to me. I never want to let go of the iron rod. We must work to keep pride out of our hearts, homes, and minds. We must humble ourselves before Heavenly Father and seek his eyes. Seek to see people the way He sees them. Love with compassion and never lose sight of Heavenly Father. 

As I think about the concept of turning towards another and this scripture, D&C 64:33 “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”Boundless things come to mind. One of the biggest things that come to mind is that as we lay the foundation for our marriages.  The small things we do for each other will bring about an excellent foundation for us to stand on during troubled times. 

There are many ways we can stay connected and turn towards our partners.  We can spend time cleaning and talking with each other. We can turn towards each other during a rough day and speak to our spouse about it. We can be together. There are many different ways we can help each other. Each time we support our spouse, we are turning towards them. We are turning towards our spouse each time we support or even just talking about a rough day.  

Dr. Gottman’s term “bids for attention” are the small things we ask each other to do. They are the “help me honey with the clothes” type of attention. When we ask our spouse for consideration or a discussion of things that are bothering us. When a bid for attention is given, be ready to pick up on it and respond by engaging with your spouse in a discussion or activity. 

Faith in Christ strengthens marriages.  When we have faith in Christ, we show that we wish to be closer to Heavenly Father. As we get closer to Heavenly Father, we draw closer to our spouse. It is like the triangle that I shared a couple of weeks ago. Our faith not only strengthens us but also strengthens our spouses.  If we lead by example, and our spouses see our faith, they will want to improve their faith. 

When we receive the marriage covenant, we also receive challenges and trials necessary for our growth and advancements as individuals and couples. My husband and I have anchored our lives in the faith and trust in Jesus Christ, no matter how severe the trails may be, we know we can work through them. We have used our scripture reading, and family prayer to bring us closer to each other. It allows us to weather the storms that the devil throws our way.  

My marriage class has been reading a book by Dr. John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver named, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We have only read the first five chapters, and this book has truly opened my heart, mind, and eyes. I would highly recommend this book to any couple that is in a long term relationship. 

One of the principles Dr. Gottman speaks about is called “love mapping.” I always knew I wanted to know more about my husband, but I never thought about making a mental map of his like and dislike. There were some questions in the books that I have never asked myself, let alone my husband.  Dr. Gottman states, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms.” I never thought about the knowledge I knew about my husband would allow us to “weather marital storms.” As I said before we don’t yell and scream at each other, we have long discussions. We have gone through some pretty intense storms which have only made us stronger. I can’t pinpoint exactly why we came out stronger. Other than we stuck together and no matter what we kept each other priority. Through all our trials we have made dating a precedence. Having time alone together we kept updating on things happening in each other’s lives. We didn’t give up on each other. 

Until about four months ago, when our grandsons came to live with us, my husband and I found time to go on regular date night. With high energy toddlers in our home, we found ourselves drifting apart. We didn’t make time for date night and we had very little conversations together. I have missed being able to stay connected to my best friend. I look forward to getting reacquainted with my husband when our two little grandchildren go home to their dad. It will only be my husband and I and our adult daughter again.  We have already planned a date night. I didn’t know they were so important until we stopped. I missed my friend. I miss getting to know my husband during these date nights. I look forward to dating my husband once again. I would encourage you to make date night a priority. I didn’t know how important until we didn’t have it any more.

This week I want to discuss something I have learned. I have learned that my marriage is full of ups and downs. It’s like many marriages based upon friendship. I have been with my husband as friends for 16 years now. I didn’t marry him until our 10th anniversary of dating. We made sure that our marriage was based upon mutual, deep respect friendship.  My marriage is PSO or Positive sentiment override. There is a lot of positive sentiments in my marriage. When I do my schoolwork and have meetings, my husband has taken over some of the household chores. When I am tired and not feeling well, he will cook and take care of the grandchildren.    When we have arguments, we have learned to stop before it gets heated. We have a deep discussion, but we don’t yell and scream at each other. We use repair actions and words to stop the arguments. We do things for each other without expecting to get anything in return. 

Friendship is essential in a marriage. When you get to the empty nest stage of life, the couple needs companionship to continue in the marriage. Couples have all this time to spend with each other they then must figure out what to do. Their time is no longer spent on their children.  We have turn to each other as friends and continue to build a relationship with each other. When they have a deep friendship with your spouse, your marriage will work. They will be able to weather any storm that comes their way. 

We must overcome the natural man in our lives and marriages. The natural man is the enemy of marriage. To overcome the natural man, we must yield to the Holy Spirit and become a saint through the atonement of Christ. We must then become like children submissive, meek, humble, patient, and full of love. We must be willing to submit to all things in which the Lord sees fit on inflicting us with. This is the way to overcome the natural man. We must look to Heavenly Father for His help. Without His help, we will fail, but with Heavenly Father by our side helping us we can overcome the natural man. Mosiah 3:19.   

My husband and I are planning on setting aside time to attend the temple more often. We will also make time to read our scriptures and pray together, morning and night. I plan on pleading with Heavenly Father to show me how I can be a better convent wife to my husband. 

I feel the excessive debt is detrimental to our society. Couples have put themselves in extreme debt. Husbands and wives argue with each other.  I have seen excessive debt cause divorces. I have seen it cause couples to lose everything they own. It is a sad situation. They are trying to make the bills but not being able to. 

The most important lesson I learned regarding the genogram I completed this week is that I have a lot of divorces within my family. It is a legacy that I don’t wish to pass along to my children and grandchildren.  I knew that there was a lot of divorces in my family, but my eyes were open this week to exactly how many.  It has me wondering why all of the divorces. Is it because it is what we have grown up to see? I learned that my paternal grandparents were married until death, but all of their sons were divorced at least once.  This makes me wonder why? 

I have seen many marriages, but not a lot of them lasting.  I only have one set of grandparents that were married till death.  The other set was divorced, and it was carried down to most of their children. Then that spilled down to most of my cousins and me. I hope that I can stop this tend with my children and grandchildren. I hope that I can show them what a convent marriage looks like and that a convent marriage is a lasting one. That the contractual marriages can last, but most don’t when things in the marriage get tough.

As a believer of the Heavenly Father and the beliefs of our religion, we need to make a stand for traditional marriage. To view the rulings of on the outcome of same-sex coupled marriage rights click here. By understanding the arguments of the petitioners, we can form our own arguments for traditional marriage.

As Latter-day Saints, I don’t believe we blow out of proportion the redefining of marriage. We have our beliefs, and we defend those beliefs vigorously. I think if we don’t protect our ideas, then we will slowly drift to the back. People won’t take notice of us and our beliefs. 

Within my circle of influence, I can relate and voice what I have learned. I can stand for traditional marriage with a strong sense of self. I can teach my children and grandchildren that marriage is between a man and a woman.In our family we vigorously defend traditional marriages.

Because I am not ready for the tough times that are upon us, I have gone back to school. I hope to gain the confidence I need and obtain knowledge to be better prepared for my beliefs in tough times, which will only get more challenging.

In my life, the blessings of my family have been great. We have grown stronger as a unit. Elder Nelson assured us that as we stand for marriage and as we remain true and faithful, the Lord will help us and protect us. The church has been a blessing to my family. It has helped us in our time of need. It has lifted us when we need a little extra encouragement. It has shown us the way to protect our children and grandchildren by praying on our knees. 

The Fourteenth Amendment protects many people, but it should have never been changed to defend same-sex marriage. Heavenly Father ordained marriage and no man’s law can change that.

I believe the government should have never been in the subject of marriage.  Marriage is something that is between a man and a woman. I will never change in my mind that marriage is between a man and a woman.